We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize