the condom got lost in my hair
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
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