This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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