wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
