i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
