i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
