about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
