I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
