you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize