Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
