So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
