I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
