you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
