I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
