Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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