words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
