I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm passing your future prison.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
