We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
