Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
