I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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