I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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