I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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