What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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