the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
