When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
