Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize