Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
