Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
