his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
