if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
