the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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