my shit smells like andre
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
