My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Don't make out with my wife yet
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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