In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
