hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
