I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
