We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
