This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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