I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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