I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
