why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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