I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
