Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize