I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
