I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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