the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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