dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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