we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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