the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
