Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
