there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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