Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
This is my gift to your gina
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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