I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
