Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
