Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
