This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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