omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
