i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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